Nick, If you're readin' this
by zombie4play
Summary: Nick gets a letter about the untimely death of his soldier, Ellis. Angst, not going to lie. Inspired by the song If you're reading this by Tim Mcgraw.
1. the letter from a man

**First off, I'm ranting. I hate hate hate hate hate hate hate when this sight wont allow me to upload my story. HATE IT! I had this thing ready to go this morning and now here I am at 2 o clock in the morning to upload this to you guys. Ain't I the dedicated one?**

**So anyway, thought this would make a lovely side story. It has three parts to it so, yeah. I'm doing this in the hopes of getting back on track with my EllisxFrancis learning to live again, but I love the idea in my head for this one story. Also, I do take requests for fics on these couple, so PM me or review me. ok, enough ranting, on with the show.**

**Oh and also, I would like to thank a recent reviewer on here, FadedHunter, for all their reviews to my stories and I would like to also apologize to this said user on here, like I said, this site faught with me tooth and nail. so I hope you enjoy :D**

**Disclaimer: (Hahaha, you thought I was done) I own nothing but my own ideas. The characters belong to valve, except for the man in black. He's mine. Just all mine...muhahahahaha.**

**Part 1/3: The letter from a man**

It was an average sunny day, a day much like any other, when a man clad in black ascended the concrete stairs of a two story house. A house looking like any other in its row on the street that was probably a little too clean for this kind of city.

The man stood out, there was no doubt about it. It didn't matter if it were the people walking their well tamed dogs or a happy couple taking a stroll, bicyclists or even the occasional jogger, they all had stopped to stare at the man periodically on their routine outings.

But every time the man had drawn attention to himself he never once acknowledged their existence and if he did spare a glance they were unable to see him do so through his thick dark glasses.

Stepping on the 'Welcome' mat the man knocked on the cedar wood door. Moments later a man dressed in a plaid half way buttoned up shirt and faded blue jeans answered the door.

"Mr. Nick Niles I presume." His voice seemed judging as he stood on the porch in the blazing hot sun.

"You presume correctly. How may I help you?" Nick's slim figure took up most of the space in the doorway as he took in the man standing before him. Cars zoomed by reaching speeds far over the posted limit but the two men didn't seem to notice as they stared at each other.

"May I come inside, I'm afraid that I have some grave news."

"About?" He asked nonchalantly.

"About your husband."

He froze up.

_No._

_Oh Dear God No._

Nick found his gaze shifting and now instead of looking at the man before him he seemed to look past him, focusing instead, on nothing. This couldn't be happening. Not to him. Not to _him._

His breathing was calm, his emotions, in check, on the outside at least. Moving out of the middle of the doorway he gestured for the man to step into the house.

"Of course."

The man muttered a quick thanks and stepping inside, he took off his sun glasses. "Where-"

"Into the living room, make a left when you reach the stairs." Nick interrupted. He pointed the unknown man in a general direction. "You must be thirsty. I'll get refreshments. Coke ok?"

"Oh ah, yes and thank you." He replied as he began his stride to the stairs.

Nick merely nodded as he made his way into the average looking kitchen. Going to the wood table he slammed his hands down onto its surface, forcing it to hold all his weight.

He fell apart.

This couldn't be happening. Not when Ellis was so close to coming home. Not when he finally wanted to settle down with the one person he loved. Not when he was finally a week away from coming home. Not now...not now...

_No..._

_Please..._

Nick gasped for breath as he felt tears threatening to fall, and he quickly whipped them away. He had to be strong. He just had to be. After all, he didn't know what th man was here to say. True, it did involve Ellis but maybe he was in an accident that left him paralyzed or something, anything, far better than what he had in mind.. He knew it was a long shot but he was good at lying. And the denial card was one of his mostly played cards in his deck.

Denial, after all, was strong. It always won.

And so for now, he would lie. To himself. To stop the pain that was obvious to come.

He wouldn't cry.

Not until he was sure. Not until he heard the words himself. And so, with a deep sense of dread, he put on the best poker face that he knew would never be put on by the stakes of mere gambling. He got the refreshments from the fridge and made his way into the living room were he was sure that the man in black was getting ready for his prepared speech than was inescapable.

Rounding the corner Nick stopped and with looking around he managed to spot the man with ease. He stood, back to Nick, by the shelf that was decorated with pictures of the happy couple smiling into the camera. The setting in the pictures showed a variety of different locations. Each portraying a different adventure the two men had taken.

The man examined each one with great care as if looking for a hidden code in the very texture of the picture. Picking one up, he turned it over in his hand.

"That's the time Ellis and I went to the beach." Nick explained walking into the room. " He had never been to the ocean and he had complained for over a week about it being to hot to stay here in New York so I thought we could get away for awhile." He smiled to himself, the vacation was wonderful. They had camped out in an old shack that, with much persuading, Keith had let them barrow. It was great, especially when they walked hand in hand at sunset, barefoot, across the beach.

The vacation was great, everything about it was like the perfect romance movie. Right down to the very end.

"I proposed to him then. On the beach..." Nick wasn't talking to the man but to himself. Smiling at the memory of how the kid had literally thrown himself onto the kneeling conman. Screaming over and over again that word that changed their lives forever.

"Yes, well..." He put the framed picture down and finally turned to look at the Nick who handed him one of the two cokes in his hands.

"Thank you."

"Not to be rude but, why are you here sir?"

The man tensed up. His body language became mechanical as though he had hardened his heart to deliver the inevitable. But his eyes shown with sympathy for the poor man that stood before him.

"I'm here, Mr. Niles, because of a little thing called The Zombie Training Ac-"

"Yes, I'm aware. The act that allowed you people to rip one third of the U.S male population from their lives, homes, and families to serve five years in the new military branch called the Zombie Alliance."

The man shifted uncomfortably. "Yes, umm..."

"And I am also aware of how you made it mandatory for every survivor that lived in the more infected areas to go in and serve their full term." Nick knew his voice was getting harsh and angry but somewhere along the way he just stopped caring.

"Yes-"

"I also know that you took Ellis away from me when we were about to begin our life together." He wouldn't call it yelling, but he was mad. No-he was far past mad, he was fuming.

"I know you're mad but-"

"Please," All anger left him. What was the point? It was inevitable after all. He couldn't stall it any longer, so why try? "I haven't the time or will to continue this, just get on with it."

"I understand."

The man dressed in black fished in the inside of his hidden coat pocket and pulled out two letters, holding on to one of them he extended the other out to the man.

Nick put down his soda on a near by table and hesitantly took the letter.

"What is this?"

"It explains itself." Nick turned it over in his hands. The official Z.A symbol of two katanas crossing each other and an M-16 assault rifle was branded onto one side of the envelope and on the other side, in written cursive, was his name.

Nick didn't know how long he had been staring at the object in his hands but when he looked up he was not able to locate the other man.

Quickly turning around he spotted him as he was leaving the room. Nick noticed that the man had placed the other enclosed letter on the table next to the coke that Nick had forgotten all about.

He didn't even look back as he walked out of the room.

"Read it when you're ready." And with that he left. Leaving behind just one person, one man, in many that had the miss fortune of crossing. It was a depressing job, but then again, someone had to do it.

Nick didn't move until he heard the click of the front door. He let out his breath slowly, not realizing he had been holding it. Looking down at the envelope he contemplated not opening it for a split second. But then quickly rejected the idea as he was just ready to get it over with. He needed to know. And so, with opening it up, he read.

_Dear Mr. Niles,_

_This may be the most demoralizing thing that I, in my long carrier, have had to write. Please, brace yourself for this shocking news. My lieutenant, Ellis S. Niles, is dead. _

_Unfortunately I cannot discuss any of the detail about his death until I meet with you in person at his funeral. But I can tell you this, it was a brutal attack on us all and you were not the only one who lost someone dear to them. _

_I'm so sorry that I must deliver this horrible news to you. Unfortunately, I have not know this man for very long but every chance he got, ever since he got here, he never stopped talking about the man he left behind. Always chatting on about his husband Nicholas and all the great things that you two went through. _

_He never once regretted what he did to protect you, always remaining ever so optimistic. He loved you, and I know you loved him. If evident as the amount of letter between the two of you._

_He missed you and knew that he was doing the right thing in protecting you and more importantly this country. He made the ultimate sacrifice, and for that, he died a hero._

_Even though he's gone Nick, I know that he wouldn't want you to mourn over his death. He would want you to move on with your life. To be happy._

_My lieutenant, before he died, wrote you one last letter the night before the attack. The sender that I sent should have delivered it as well, and I should take this time give my deepest apology for this horrific tragedy._

_The funeral for our fallen soldier will be held the week following the next in his home town of Savannah. I do hope that you will attend so that we may discuss further into the matter involving his untimely end._

_Once again I must give my deepest condolences, he was a great soldier, and he died a hero._

_Sorry for your loss,_

_Captain Kane_

_Z.A; Zombie Allience unit 103075 Hotel co. _


	2. The other letter

**Alright the second installment is here :D**

**Though, I feel kind of sceptcal with ending both chapters in a letter, and I need you the reders to help me. Review and tell me what you think. Like it? Love it? Hated it? Let me know if I should re-do the letter placment. but I hope you enjoy.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own the characters in this story, they belong to Valve and the song belongs to Tim Mcgraw. But I do own my Ideas, and that's what counts.**

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><p><strong>Nick, If you're readin' this...: <strong>**Part 2/3: The other letter**

No tears fell onto the page.

He knew he was one in a million.

Just one in a million of people who had received a letter like this, be it past or present, it didn't matter, their lives had been ruined anyway.

Everyone who had their lives changed had cried. He knew.

Those people who had received this "letter of pity" had or is bawling their eyes out, crying over loved ones lost in the heart of this cruel war between the human and infected.

Nothing could change that fact. Nothing. Not even if he prayed.

This letter, that lay in his hands ever so weightlessly weighed heavily down on his heart and soul like nothing he had ever felt before.

For this letter was not that of sympathy, but that of information.

It disgusted him.

These people did not care if one or even thousands that were under their command died. They didn't care. They were just like the obsolete CEDA agents. They didn't care how many they lost or will lose, they just didn't care. They only cared for one thing and that was results.

Nick stood there staring down at the piece of paper that told him everything, yet somehow, told him nothing.

He just couldn't believe it.

Ellis couldn't be dead. He was invincible, like Keith. He was strong. Nick remembered when they were in the Vannah and the mechanic just HAD to hit the stupid crying bitchy one with a base ball bat. And he just HAD to get too close. And she just HAD to attack.

But long story short, he survived, and more incredible than that, he suffered through it all with a smile plastered on his torn up face.

That stupid smile that always somehow reassured Nick that everything would be ok. And somehow or another it always had worked out. He didn't know if it was the fact that he had always hoped that he would see that smile again some day or that it had not come from Ellis himself, but he just couldn't believe it.

Ellis couldn't be dead.

Nick stared down at the letter as he read it over and over again, and with each time he scanned his eyes over the emotionless printed words it started to sink in more and more that he was really gone.

He was really and truly gone.

And that he was alone, now.

Nick eyes started to tear up but he refused to let them fall.

He couldn't break down, he just was too proud. But what else could he do when his world and all his dreams had just been shattered with one measly piece of paper with printed writing on it.

What else could he do?

Nick felt his knees give under his weight and he fell to the carpeted floor with a dull thump.

"Damn-it Ellis..." He whipped away more tears that were painfully stinging his eyes. "Just damn you... you stupid hick..."

Holding himself, he remembered. He remembered everything. The two had done so much together yet somehow it wasn't enough. After all, they had both thought that they had their whole lives to do all the things they had so joyously planned.

Like going to see the world together, settling down, becoming parents, watching their kids grow up, them going off to start a life on their own, becoming grandparents, growing old together, and so on and so forth. Nick had let himself dream, and that was his mistake.

Ellis was dead, and somehow he had to accept that but in the far reaches of his mind he knew he could never accept it. Never...

But as he sat there rocking himself Nick recalled that he somehow KNEW that the hick would not be coming home. Call it a sixth sense, but somehow he knew, and it killed him inside to just let him get on that train anyway. Leaving behind everything that he once held dear.

He shouldn't have.

It should have been him going, but Savannah was one of the worst places that the disease had hit, and Ellis was oh so willing to go. And truth be told, so was Nick. He wanted to go just as bad, just to make sure that his southerner was safe, but of course, with his criminal record, they refused to take him.

Nick remembered pleading with Ellis not to go. He screamed at him and yelled until he was blue in the face. But the mechanic took this outburst with surprisingly calm understanding and the ex-conman looked at his in astonishment, after all, Ellis, though unbeknownst to him, had grown quite wise over their time together.

Instead of always finding something that would most likely put his life in danger he, instead, just took to watching a movie with his husband on the couch to watched other people throw their lives on the line for something stupid. And his fancy in cars grew with the opening of his and Keith's Otto shop, leaving him with more work than time could permit, not that he minded though. But his life, other than an occasional surprise, had become dull and boring.

But Ellis had changed, in the time of their survival, he had grown up and maybe that is why, even though Nick had told him that he was not going to come back, maybe that was why he went. To find the adventure in this world.

He had reassured the ex-gambler that he would be back, someday.

But now someday was nearly here, and there was no sign that he would ever be coming home.

Nick scanned the room through unclear eyes. Green irises wandered aimlessly around the familiar yet alienated surrounding, and finally, his sorrow filled eyes found the letter on the table.

Oh yeah, he had forgotten about that letter. What could it be? What had the man said? Oh...right, a letter...the last...

From Ellis.

He felt himself tense up.

He didn't know why but everything just suddenly felt distant. Like the world didn't matter. The background seemed to fade into nothing. He could hear no sound but the beating of his own heart as the letter seamed to radiate an ominous glow.

It was a trick of the light, he knew it had to be. But still it enticed him, and using all his force he managed to push his ragged limp body off the floor and clumsily walk over to the table. He stared down at it, taking in forced uneven breaths as he reached out to allow his fingers to glide sorrowfully onto the white material. His fingers seemed to have a mind of its own, wanting to memorize ever crease and every wrinkle that was indented in the envelope.

Why he was so worked up, even he did not knew. But as the beads of cold sweat rolled down his forehead, and as his breathing deepened and his shacking worsened, he grabbed the letter.

Just holding something that Ellis had touched made the emotions that he tried so hard to contain burst inside him. He thought he was going to vomit, but he held the feeling in and rode out the waves of nausea that gripped him with an iron clad embrace.

Taking in deep breaths, Nick turned the envelope over in his hands.

Should he even read this? Why was he hesitating? Did he even have a right to read it? It was for him alone, but then why was he suddenly so unwilling to read it then?

There was no reason.

And so slowly, as though it might disintegrate at any sudden movement, he slowly opened it, unfolded the two pieces of paper, and he allowed his eyes to scan the hand written cursive on the page.

_Nick,_

_If you're reading this then you are probably alone, in our cozy house that we both bought together. Probably on the couch watching T.V as you scan your beautiful green eyes over the clumsy cursive known as my handwriting. Someone probably had to break the news to you, but if I know you, then you wont believe it unless I tell you._

_So here it goes..._

_Nick, I'm gone. Far from this world, far from the pain that would have cause my sudden death. I'm so sorry Nick, just so sorry. You were right, you knew this would happen and I still went. Please I hope one day you can find it in your heart to forgive me, but you have to understand, I HAD to do it. I had to protect you._

_I loved you._

_And I need to tell you something before I get even more into my goodbye._

_I knew the infected would be coming for us. I knew they would over run our base camp, yet I couldn't stop it from happening. I failed my platoon, I failed my country, and I failed you._

_I had to stop them, no matter what. And that is the reason why I am here writing this to you. I know I am about to die Nick. I know. Yet I know I have to do it. Even if it will leave you heartbroken, even though it will leave you alone, I have to do it. To protect you._

_I love you Nick, so much, more than you could ever hope to understand. Please forgive me for being selfish. For what I am about to do will leave you alone, will leave you heartbroken and grieving, but please, don't be sad, just know that I will always love you._

_I am doing what needs to be done, to save you and ensure your future._

_I don't have any regrets._

_Well..._

_I have one..._

_That I wasn't able to see you or give you one more kiss or hold you in my arms one last time. All I have dreamt about for the last five years, training in this hell hole, was coming home into your arms. Me getting off that train, spotting you in the crowd of millions, your arms around me, and us beginning a life together. But other than that, none._

_Oh Nick, you don't know how I have dreamt of that day and now looking back I can see, now, how stupid I was, to believe a dream like that could actually happen. I feel so stupid now. I really thought that we could be together somehow, but no. They just had to call me back into the apocalypse warfare, away from civilization, away from friends, family... away from you. But one thing that I will never feel is regret for what I did. Never._

_So can you tell Keith that I do not regret followed in his shoes. I just guess that I'm not as indestructible as he is. Even when we were kids and we played war, he would always be the one to survive, never me. And I guess that is why he is coming home next week and I, am not._

_I am laying down my gun and hanging up my dirty boot, Nick, I know you are reading this, maybe half way across this god forsaken world, just know, I won't be coming back. I wont be back to see you again or to feel your lips on mine or adopt that child that we had always wanted. I won't be able to teach her to fight like you or to fix cars like I loved to do. I'm sorry. I won't be able to do any of that stuff with you. I will not be able to do it period._

_I hear the infected now. Their coming, but..._

_I don't know what else to say... before I go-_

_No wait, I do._

_I wish I could erase that, but pen and all but anyway,_

_Nick, I'm dead, and there is going to come a day. Maybe in the near future or maybe years from now, but I know that you're going to move on from me and find someone else. Someone who survived the apocalypse AND the war and you are going to fall in love with this person, be it male or female, even more than you did me, I just know it. And that's ok. I want you to be happy. I want you to move on with your life, without me. Because when you read this, I will already be gone, dead to this world, and truly dead. I want you to be happy, and I know the road that will take you there is without me, and that's ok. It's to hard on the heart to remember what you once had, and that Nick, was me._

_You can remember me for a while. Remember all the times we made love or held hands, kissed, or maybe, our wedding. Just remember the good times, not the bad. But when time goes on, so must your memories of me. Let them fade into the darkness and never bring them back again, because you will have to move on from me Nick, my love, and release me from your heart so that you may have room for others in this world, ones that will make you happy. And I know that there is someone far better that me who can make you happy Nick._

_I love you, but I guess my love wasn't enough..._

_My funeral will be held in Savannah, where I first met you. Where my life was the happiest. Please, I hope you come see me. One last time, before..._

_Well, they're going to lay me down in that field where Coach and Ro are lying. That opened area where we both buried them, you must remember, the one out side of town. That is where I wished them to bury me as well. And I hope that someday, and I pray that it is many years away, I will see you again, because I love you Nick and I never will forget you, but you must forget about me. And so Nick..._

_If you're reading this, don't be sad..._

_Because my soul is where my mama had always prayed that it would go..._

_And I'm up here with god, Ro and Coach and we all are watching over you_

_If you're readin' this..._

_Nick,_

_I'm already home._

_Goodbye,_

_Ellis S. Niles  
><em>

_(A.K.A Overalls)  
><em>

He dropped the letter and the papers gracefully decended to the ground intertwining and passing over one another in a sorrowful dance.

So that was that...

He let the tears fall.

For what else could he do?


	3. My last letter

**Didn't read it over, its utter crap. If you want me to redo it just write me up. Not my best, sorry, wanted to get this done with.**

**Part 3/3 The funeral**

The funeral had been...unbearable. Three hours of people recalling stories of how Ellis made them feel, how they met, what they did together and how they were going to miss him , all that sentimental junk had really done Nick in.

With all these random strangers coming up to the poteum to speak about their fallen hero and how they got to spend time with the soldier made the gambler dare he say, sad. Why did all these people have something good to tell about Ellis? Why were they so lucky to have spend so many years being around him? Making memories with him?

To Nick, it wasn't fair.

He wanted memories of coming home to a husband greeting him after a long day on the job. A husband to talk to when he needed someone there. Ellis to help him take care of their kids when they cried out. Ellis to be there at night to hold.

He wanted Ellis to just be there.

The honoring speech, gun squad, color guard and the singing of Amazing Grace practically killed Nick to sit through.

If it weren't for their country in the first place then Ellis would still be alive and well...with him.

Keith had even shown up to speak about his 'buddy Ellis' and all their fun times back in Savannah that they had.

Nick had tuned him out just like the rest of them.

He felt as though he didn't belong there. He didn't want to come, it hurt too much. The funeral was the end. Nothing ever happened after death. Well, besides Heaven, and Nick knew that Ellis would have absolutely no problem getting into that place. It was he, himself, that the gambler was worried about.

When his time came, Nick knew he couldn't possibly be accepted. With all the horrible things he had done in his past life there was no way any place would accept him. Nothing was as deserving to the gambler than hell. That he knew.

So this was to be the end of his and Ellis' time together. Nick would never see his southerner again, even when he himself died. Nick was to be forever separated from his one and only true love. His soul-mate. For an eternity.

An eternity without the feeling of having the one he loved by his side, never feeling his arms around him again, never being able to hear one of his ridiculous Kieth stories again and never knowing what could have been. Nick was sure that, even if he didn't go to hell when he died, it would still be hell. Because without Ellis', even Heaven is hell with out him in it.

The former gambler didn't want to dwell on the fact that his life would never be the same again. No, the hick had changed him far too much for him to go back to his old way of living. He had changed Nick into the man that he so desperately tried to be on his own, but failed. Now that he experience what it was like to love and to be loved back, the ex-card shark couldn't even begin to think about going back to his old life, a life before Ellis.

It was a closed casket.

Apparently the body was to horribly mangled for civilized people to see.

The atmosphere was thick, heavy. Everyone had been crying. Especially Keith.

He had flown down to be at the funeral, all the way from where he was stationed in San Diego.

Keith looked rough, as though he thought that he was the reason for his best friend's death.

Or at least taking his friend's absence very badly. The funeral was sad indeed. Everyone was morning over their loss. But the funeral itself was beautiful. Very patriotic.

Ellis would have liked it.

After the funeral Nick was confronted by his mother-in-law. She cried on his shoulder for what seemed like hours. Nick didn't know what to do but comfort her, and so he did.

"He loved you..." She whispered as she chocked back another sob.

Nick didn't know how to respond to that. Ellis' mother hated Nick for 'corrupting her little angel', and for her to openly speak and to find solace in the very thing she hated threw Nick off.

"He loved you...d-did yo-ou love m-my son?" The plump women laid her head on Nick's shoulder and began to sob again.

"Yes...I did." _Do_. Nick began to rub her back in the hopes that she would calm down.

"Then why..." Nick didn't understand what she had meant by that statement and he was about to ask her about it when she began to speak again. "Why did you let him die?"

Nick's eyes widened. How could he have let Ellis die? The former gambler was frozen with shock, not knowing what to say.

The women pushed Nick away from her. " It should have been you..." There was resentment in her eyes and a bitter loathing in her voice. " It should have been you, not my baby. He was pure, and YOU corrupted him! YOU TAINTED HIM!"

Nick felt something stinging in his eyes and he didn't have to wipe his eyes to know that he was crying. What this lady was saying was true, he had let Ellis down. And this realization that he had come to made his heart hurt even worst knowing that other people think the same thing.

Nick could hardly breath. His lungs refused to take in air as he felt as though his entire body has frozen over. It WAS all his fault. It should have been him, not Ellis.

The tears began to fall more freely from Nick's eyes and he began to frantically rubbing the tears from his eyes.

"It should have been you..." Her voice was icy cold as she, too, began to cry, and with her parting words, she left, leaving Nick alone with his guilt.

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><p>And after most of the guests left Nick was confronted yet again. This time it was the captain that had signed the letter the gambler had received. He was dressed in his formal military uniform, complete with white gloves, polished shoes, buttoned up green uniform Z.A. crested shirt and white pants.<p>

He placed his hand on the grieving man's shoulder.

"He was a good soldier, son. You should be proud."

Nick looked him straight in the face. "I am proud."

With what seemed like hours talking to Kane, Nick was finally left alone to mourn over the newly filled grave. What was he going to do now? Ellis was all that Nick had, all that he could ever want, and now that he was gone Nick didn't know what to do with himself.

Nick knelt beside the grave and traced his fingers on the cold engraved letters

_Ellis Niles _

_ Great soldier, Zombie slayer_

_ Beloved husband_

_...Good-bye El, I'm sorry..._

_ You were once my one companion..._

_ You were all that mattered..._

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><p>Two years found Nick standing over the forgotten graves of his three companions. His eyes looked worn and tired, dark bags outlined the sunken eyes that gazed with almost unseeing sight.<p>

The figure did not utter a word as he placed a single piece of paper down on the headstone that sat in between two similar headstones.

The figure sighed heavily. He was so tired.

Just so tired...

..._Too many years, fighting back tears..._

His eyes began to water. "I miss you." The figure knelt down and traced his hand over the letters on the headstone, mimicking his actions all those years ago.

_Wishing you were somehow here again._

_Wishing you were somehow near_

_Sometimes it seemed if I just dreamed_

_Somehow you would be here_

The figure slid his hand into the pocket of his stained white suit.

_Wishing I could hear your voice again _

_Knowing that I never would_

_Dreaming of you won't help me to do_

_All that you dreamed I could_

The figure in white pulled the gun out from its pocket.

_Too many years fighting back tears _

_Why can't the past just die? _

_Wishing you were somehow here again _

_Knowing we must say, "Goodbye"_

The figure stared at the name of the headstone as it lifted the metallic savior to its head.

"I love you El." Nick closed his eyes, cocking the gun.

_No more memories, no more silent tears _

_No more gazing across the wasted years _

_Help me say, "Goodbye" _

_Help me say, "Goodbye"_

"Goodbye."

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><p>In the winds,that travel through a little southern valley, a sound is carried. A loud cry of sorrow and pain, flows through the winds, along with a faint, almost phantomed echo, forever embracing the pained cry.<p>

"_Goodbye Nick..."_

* * *

><p>Back at the headstone a paper speckled with blood awaits to be read by the one who can never read it.<p>

_My dear Ellis,_

_ I just wanted to apologize. I tried, I truly did, but I cannot live in a world without you in it. It's killing me a little bit each and every day._

_ Having to wake up without you next to me is heartbreaking._

_ I feel so empty. So lost._

_ Everything in our house reminds me of the times that we shared together. All those times you made me laugh and the moments you smiled. if I knew that the last time that I held you was the last time, I would have held you, and never let go._

_ I always told you that life isn't fair, and I'm so sorry for that El. You were innocent, even when the world threw everything at you. And I'm sorry that I had to always rain on your cheery optimism, but the truth is El, I loved your child like innocence._

_ I still need you Ellis, so very much. Having you gone is like having a beating heart without the ability to beat, a plane unable to fly, Light without darkness, a soul without a mate._

_ Without out you Ellis, there can be no me._

_ Having to go about the days as though losing you wasn't affecting me, is killing me. I can't take this pain anymore._

_ People pass me by on the streets and don't even spare me a second glance. Some ask if I am ok, and I tell them yes. But El, I can never lie to you. And the truth is that I am not ok._

_ I'm dying inside._

_ I can't help but ask myself if somehow this could have been avoided._

_ I remember the last time I saw you. With your military uniform and your trucker's cap. You seemed so out of place, and we laughed. We laughed because there was nothing else to do but cry. And I knew you wanted to cry El, but you held your head up high. I was so proud, you are strong, even stronger than me. Even though I was laughing, on the inside, I was crying._

_ I didn't want to give you up, but I knew I had to._

_ When you left El, I thought my heart was on fire and that fire was made of ice._

_ I cried then._

_ Every time you wrote to me in boot-camp you always made sure to reassure me that no matter what, you will not be called 'Home', until it was your time._

_ Well El, your time was up._

_ As is mine._

_ I can't live on this Earth anymore, it's that simple. You changed me El. You changed me into the man that I couldn't possibly be. But you did it, and I am glad. You are so much a part of who I am. I can't live without all of myself, and you took most of me with you after you left._

_ No matter how much I needed you, Heaven needed you more._

_ You know El? _

_ I guess Heaven was needing a hero, somebody just like you. Brave enough, to stand up for what you believe, and follow it through._

_ To the end._

_ That's the only conclusion that I always come back to. That must be it, Heaven needed someone like you._

_ No-Not some one like you._

_ Heaven needed you._

_ Because believe it or not Ellis, you are a hero, you are my hero._

_ I don't know where I will end up after I die El, but I know one thing. It's not going to be with you._

_ I am a sinner and you are an angel, we cannot possibly exist side by side in the place that I have no dough you ended up. _

_ Please forgive me El, for what I am going to do._

_ I am not going to say Good-bye, Ellis._

_ Because Good-bye implies leaving._

_ And even though we may physically part,_

_ You never truly leave me._

_ You're always in my heart. _

_ No matter what happens, no matter where I end up, I will always love you._

_ Please don't forget that..._

**_ ...my hick..._**


End file.
